My favorite band was having a live concert again here in Jakarta last night. Nope, I didn’t go, that’s not my kind of thing anymore. I love them still, they’re forever my crush even though I’m not listening to their music anymore since their last concert here. (You may guess why.)
People say it’s both a curse and a blessing to feel everything so deeply. Ugh. They’re right.
I still remember the excitement. Them crowd, them bands, them feels… And his existence beside me made everything seemed perfect. One unreal experience that always made me want to go back to the past, every time I see Alex, Jack, Zack, and Rian on my Instagram timeline. I know this sounds batshit-crazy but at that time, despite our distance whatsoever, his presence had always been so strong. It was getting real intense at that time. Even after these so many years since the concert, I still find myself missing himthat moment once in a while.
I may or may not regret my decision to not go to their live concert last night, but truth to be told… I’m still trying to decide whether I regret my decision to go there five years ago. Those memories of him are still haunting me until now and it sucks.
I’m halfway there. I’m so close to the thing I desperately want but suddenly, the hesitation strikes me real bad. I find myself wondering why I wanted it in the first place, then the motivation, the esteem, the struggle, the confidence I’ve built; everything’s starting to collapse all at once. And I just know it’s time to take a step back, just breath, and pray.
Maybe I was too obsessed with own plan. And it never does you good to be obsessed with something (or someone, ha). Anyway, it’s not that I’m sad or lost or anything, I just feel like I need a break and think over my life plan. I believe it’s always okay to change your plan, as long as you stick to your purpose. Right?
I’m not a fan of “new year, new me” thingy, but in this very 2018, I feel like I need to start planning for my future seriously. My life was intentionally a mess. I always have goals, I do, but right now, I know I need to make everything very specific, and make deadlines for every goals I have without rushing it. Rushing things will be something I pull aside, because I plan to be a zen monk this year. Lol jk but yes, I plan to do things zen way like I did few years ago. (Including a little more drawing as a therapy to find peace.) It won’t hurt to start doing it again, right. I wrote these highlights about zen way of life in 2014 or so and I’m just gonna share it here, just because. So yeah, have a great 2018, fellas!
I’ve been a counselor for Secondary and Pre-University students for the last eight months. Everyday I talked to students with different backgrounds, different personalities, different problems, and different dreams. I love listening to their stories, and I love sharing things I know with them. They always end the session with “thank you”, but I’m the one who always feel thankful after talking to them.
I know my emotion got carried away waaay too easily, like, I’m happy when they’re happy, I’m sad when they’re sad, I’m angry when they’re angry. And yes, I’m trying to work it out somehow; learning to have more self control. Specifically, having emotion under control. I’m learning to be a better listener, so I can help people better.
Being a school counselor is a blessing for me. Well I’m not saying I will be forever a school counselor, but this experience has brought me to a higher calling (a bit hyperbolic but whatevs lol), that I want to be a psychologist. I need to. And I will be. Watch me!
See the quote above? These words has always convinced me not to be scared of leaving things behind. Very selfish words, I know. It’s like giving permissions to leave anything right away when you don’t feel good about it anymore, without considering how others feel about you leaving. But these words do have a point.
Saying “good bye” is never easy. No matter how many times I’ve been saying it in different situations and for different reasons, it’s still hard. The deeper the attachment, the harder it is to let go. But here I am, saying another goodbye, having my heart feels nothing but relieved, and just hoping for better, better things to come soon.
Reading through my old diary journal makes me realize how much I’ve grown. The way I see things now is somehow different. Guess I’m pretty much older now.
Some people told me I didn’t change after years. They said I still looked the same (some said I got prettier though, lol), and my personality didn’t change much. Well, most of the people I know don’t change much either. Or maybe, I deny to see them differently, just because I don’t want them to change. Oh but who am I to judge.
One thing I learned about myself lately is, I repressed a lot. Rather than being a present-hedonistic who tries to seek pleasure in everything I do, which is me some times ago, I get more and more transcendental-futuristic. Not because I want to, but because I realized that I have to. For me, being (so-called) “spiritual” changes a lot of aspects in my life. And change is never easy, right, especially when the change is vast and fast. I know I just gotta start somewhere, rather than complaining how hard it is. I’m still trying to accept this urge to change, and of course it will be a bumpy road, but change is good.