I’m not a fan of “new year, new me” thingy, but in this very 2018, I feel like I need to start planning for my future seriously. My life was intentionally a mess. I always have goals, I do, but right now, I know I need to make everything very specific, and make deadlines for every goals I have without rushing it. Rushing things will be something I pull aside, because I plan to be a zen monk this year. Lol jk but yes, I plan to do things zen way like I did few years ago. (Including a little more drawing as a therapy to find peace.) It won’t hurt to start doing it again, right. I wrote these highlights about zen way of life in 2014 or so and I’m just gonna share it here, just because. So yeah, have a great 2018, fellas!
I’ve been a counselor for Secondary and Pre-University students for the last eight months. Everyday I talked to students with different backgrounds, different personalities, different problems, and different dreams. I love listening to their stories, and I love sharing things I know with them. They always end the session with “thank you”, but I’m the one who always feel thankful after talking to them.
I know my emotion got carried away waaay too easily, like, I’m happy when they’re happy, I’m sad when they’re sad, I’m angry when they’re angry. And yes, I’m trying to work it out somehow; learning to have more self control. Specifically, having emotion under control. I’m learning to be a better listener, so I can help people better.
Being a school counselor is a blessing for me. Well I’m not saying I will be forever a school counselor, but this experience has brought me to a higher calling (a bit hyperbolic but whatevs lol), that I want to be a psychologist. I need to. And I will be. Watch me!
See the quote above? These words has always convinced me not to be scared of leaving things behind. Very selfish words, I know. It’s like giving permissions to leave anything right away when you don’t feel good about it anymore, without considering how others feel about you leaving. But these words do have a point.
Saying “good bye” is never easy. No matter how many times I’ve been saying it in different situations and for different reasons, it’s still hard. The deeper the attachment, the harder it is to let go. But here I am, saying another goodbye, having my heart feels nothing but relieved, and just hoping for better, better things to come soon.
Reading through my old diary journal makes me realize how much I’ve grown. The way I see things now is somehow different. Guess I’m pretty much older now.
Some people told me I didn’t change after years. They said I still looked the same (some said I got prettier though, lol), and my personality didn’t change much. Well, most of the people I know don’t change much either. Or maybe, I deny to see them differently, just because I don’t want them to change. Oh but who am I to judge.
One thing I learned about myself lately is, I repressed a lot. Rather than being a present-hedonistic who tries to seek pleasure in everything I do, which is me some times ago, I get more and more transcendental-futuristic. Not because I want to, but because I realized that I have to. For me, being (so-called) “spiritual” changes a lot of aspects in my life. And change is never easy, right, especially when the change is vast and fast. I know I just gotta start somewhere, rather than complaining how hard it is. I’m still trying to accept this urge to change, and of course it will be a bumpy road, but change is good.
Sudah hampir sebulan sejak wisuda Dauroh Qolbiyah (DQ) di Daarut Tauhiid Bandung. A place where everything feels different, dimana penghayatanku akan segala sesuatunya menjadi beda setelah ikut pesantren selama satu bulan tersebut. Apa yang beda? Well, actually, almost everything. Things started to feel more… Meaningful, in many ways. Continue reading “I’m still processing.”→
A lot of things changed in the last two months. I left my job and also some other important parts of my life to find another side of me, but what I found is, another side of life. If you ask me, am I happy now? I don’t know. Maybe I am, or maybe not really.
I’ve always thought that I need to be happy. That was forever my life plan, actually. I always seek for happiness, I get it from the excitement of new things, new people, new places, new experience. But then, I realize that being “at peace” is far more valuable. “Peace” isn’t something you seek. I can buy a pair of shoes to feel happy, even though it’s just pseudo-happiness. Ha. But being at peace is different, it ain’t something you can buy with money, or something that can be planned.
So, if you ask me, am I happy now? I will still answer: I don’t know. Maybe the question ain’t relevant no more. All I want now is to be constantly at peace.
Kata-kata super klise dan used everywhere by everyone sampai-sampai terasa basi dan maknanya hilang. Apa sih sebenernya jadi diri sendiri itu? Diri yang mana? For all I know, setiap orang bisa memiliki lebih dari satu karakter, tergantung bersama siapa dia berada dan dalam situasi yang bagaimana.
But oddly, it feels kind of different when you’re the one who said it.”Jadi diri sendiri aja kali, Da.” Tiga bulan yang lalu, setelah cerita betapa Jakarta membuatku feels so fucking lonely, you only said “Kenapa harus bergantung sama orang lain sih.” Damn, we are social creatures and that’s why we need others, so I thought. But hey, since when I categorize myself as someone ‘social’? Lol jk.
My point is, kata-kata ini yang membuat aku sadar aku sudah mulai salah arah. Dan kemudian banting setir saat itu juga. AHA moment, they called it. I didn’t know myself back then, so I seek for it, bit by bit. And now, my life is somehow different. Not easy, but I’m getting through it. Lose some, get some. So, really, I sincerely thank you for your cliche advice. 🙂